Questioning Mind

November 11, 2020                     I lacked patience!                           My temper used to be short when I was younger. Someone joked once (I can't remember who...), saying that I did not have a short fuse; I simply had no fuse at all - I just went Boom !                                                   I have since learned to count to ten...or to one thousand, and have been able to avoid the explosion. I feel better about it. Not so much because I am able to stop being angry (because I still get angry), but because I was able to control my actions and words before causing any damage.                         Anger requires a lot of energy. Maybe the whole idea about getting older and wiser is more about getting tired and wanting to save the energy for healthier emotions. Keeping the pre-explosion state was exhausting...it did burn some calories though!                         Being able to ponder, empathize and judge less has helped me to calm down. I have minimized the

  October 14, 2020                    I am vain.                   You may not believe it if you think you know me.               Some of the things I care about myself are common concerns to many women my age, but at the same time, I have ceased to care about many other things. I find it to be a common contradiction.                Some of the things I care about, that would place me in the vain category, have to do with weight gain, wrinkles, facial hair, dry skin, and muscular tone:              .Yes, I do check my butt, using a second mirror, when I wear jeans. I search for a certain look I am not sure I can explain, but one of the “checks” has to do with whether the lines of my panties are showing and how. And no, I do NOT wear thongs! Can’t stand the stuff.  . I use sweet almond oil on my skin every day to keep it moist and elastic.  . I simply hate the amount of facial hair that sprouts on a daily basis. I go through tweezers like a mad woman! It doesn’t help that my eyesight is

  September 22, 2020 October 1, 2020                   I’ve coveted.                Y ou have to cut me some slack. I grew up in Rio where I had easy access to the beach, but about 30 years ago I moved to the US and landed in New Orleans. I love New Orleans, but it is hot as an oven and the air is thick and wet. Not that I wish to live in cold towns. I lived in New York once and I am done. Besides, it is very hot there in the summer as well, minus the New Orleans laid back lifestyle that matches Rio’s so well. So what have I’ve coveted? Oddly enough, for a city surrounded by water, I’ve coveted water!  Walking through some neighborhoods in New Orleans during summers was tricky. I would be hot, clothes-clinging-to-the-skin soaking wet and borderline dehydrated when I would spot that oasis type mirage on the corner of my eye: a swimming pool in someone’s backyard. That blue vision of paradise was usually surrounded by carefully planted trees and foliage, lounge chairs, patio umbrellas,…a

  September 15, 2020 October 1, 2020                       I have lied.                 I lied so much during my teenage years that I ended up developing a double personality: I was one person at my parents' home, and a whole different person out in the world. I had to keep these two worlds apart, or I would get busted.  I did not bring friends home. My parents were kept unfamiliar with my real endeavors. Of course it was easier then: there were no cell phones (and public phones were definitely not reliable). I also am the youngest of six, so my parents were a bit worn out when it became my turn as a teenager. They were not paying as much attention anymore.             My dad was extremely strict. He also created an atmosphere at home where my brothers were supposed to monitor-protect me. Of course, my dad is also very fearful of…everything? In his eyes, we were only safe if we stayed home. He would always try to prove his fears were valid by showing us some newspaper article of so

  September 8, 2020           October 1, 2020             I’ve cursed.  A bunch. Still do. Maybe because I grew up in a household where no one cursed, so I feel like I have to make up for the time lost. My father hated two things (well, maybe more than two, but…): curse words and cigarettes. None of us ( and I am one of the six kids) was allowed to curse or smoke. Ever! Well, so he wished. One time, when I was young, I heard my mom mumble between her teeth, “ merda .” I looked at her with what may have appeared to her as big eyes, and she just returned my look with a  “shhhhh,”   placing a finger over my lips.             At that moment I felt even more admiration for my mom. She had broken the rules somewhat. She understood that those words that we were forbidden to say also released frustrations, helped sooth pains, and helped manage some anger or shock.             As I grew more and more independent, my vocabulary expanded: both with more "adult"  words and words I liked,

                    September 1, 2020             October 1, 2020 I’ve cheated.  More than once. It didn’t help that, most times it happened, I would have already finished a whole bottle of red wine. But I am not going to blame the alcohol for my actions. I knew what I was doing. Furthermore, the thrill, the excitement about the possibility of getting caught, and the idea that it was happening right under everyone’s nose made me experience the adrenaline rush that gets us hooked to some bad behaviors. The pounding of the heart and the secrecy of it all made it even more enticing to continue with it. The partners in the game of Spades varied and I shamelessly corrupted every single one of them, except for Jimmy, even though I will always claim that his wife was the one who sparked that behavior in me. (It was already in me though…) The mischievousness of the act carried such a power that I was unstoppable. I would giggle during the game as I would switch the cards from the trick right i