Collections of Thoughts - Am I good or Bad? (neither) # 7

November 11, 2020



                    I lacked patience! 

                    My temper used to be short when I was younger. Someone joked once (I can't remember who...), saying that I did not have a short fuse; I simply had no fuse at all - I just went Boom!                    

                    I have since learned to count to ten...or to one thousand, and have been able to avoid the explosion. I feel better about it. Not so much because I am able to stop being angry (because I still get angry), but because I was able to control my actions and words before causing any damage.

                    Anger requires a lot of energy. Maybe the whole idea about getting older and wiser is more about getting tired and wanting to save the energy for healthier emotions. Keeping the pre-explosion state was exhausting...it did burn some calories though!

                    Being able to ponder, empathize and judge less has helped me to calm down. I have minimized the amount of times I ended up saying things, in anger, that should not have been said; however, the fire that kept my impulses a bit out of control also gave me courage and sparked me to action in face of some cruel adversaries. There's something liberating about letting someone know how you really feel. Yes, I was bolder, braver, and stupider all at once.

                    I have not become complacent about the things that I believe need to change in this world. I have not become cowardly silent; I have started to choose the battles and the true opponents I should  confront. I have learned that the yelling has made the opponent deaf and not better or agreeable to my ideas. I have learned that real changes do happen in slow, constant, and friendlier atmospheres.

                    I have also learned that the flame is still there, inside me. I can not let it burn me out or let me  explode. I have learned to recognize my triggers. That's why I've retired from the current, messed up school system. That's why I can't watch the news everyday to see Trump's face or Bolsonaro's face (in Brazilian's news) unless is through SNL or Stephen Colbert's show. I have to laugh it off. That's how I keep the fire down, so it does not burn me. 

                    That's why I believe I have to march steadily in the long march against racism and injustices. It is not a sprint; it is a cross country march. 

                    The flame is still there. I make sure to keep it lit.

                    

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