Collection of Thoughts – Am I Good or Bad? (neither) # 6

 October 14, 2020



              I am vain. 

              You may not believe it if you think you know me.

              Some of the things I care about myself are common concerns to many women my age, but at the same time, I have ceased to care about many other things. I find it to be a common contradiction. 

              Some of the things I care about, that would place me in the vain category, have to do with weight gain, wrinkles, facial hair, dry skin, and muscular tone: 

            .Yes, I do check my butt, using a second mirror, when I wear jeans. I search for a certain look I am not sure I can explain, but one of the “checks” has to do with whether the lines of my panties are showing and how. And no, I do NOT wear thongs! Can’t stand the stuff. 

. I use sweet almond oil on my skin every day to keep it moist and elastic. 

. I simply hate the amount of facial hair that sprouts on a daily basis. I go through tweezers like a mad woman! It doesn’t help that my eyesight is going to shit either - those suckers sometimes appear out of nowhere dangling off my face!

And then I struggle: I am too lazy to have a workout routine. I love outdoor sports – really, mainly volleyball – but I can’t stand jogging. I love swimming…when it is warm outside. I do some stretching/yoga/exercises when I start to hate  myself for not doing them, but it is not a daily affair. How much do I really, really care?

The second struggle has to do with food. It relates with the weight drama: I love food! Luckily for me, I love fresh fruits and vegetables, but I also love breads and chocolate and roasted almonds and wine and dark chocolate and wine (did I mention wine already?) and so many things that are packed with calories that it makes it hard to balance with the low-calorie salads. 

Oh, the drama of those who can afford to choose what to eat…This is the part I believe falls in the “bad” category. It is such a first world drama that it is just bad. Period.

            Now is the fun part: the list of things for which I don’t give a shit and have made my life a lot more fun – the list can simply be reduced to one statement: I do not care about what people think about me in general. 

. My hair is graying. I don’t care.

. I don’t wear make-up (maybe lipstick sometimes). 

. I do not worry about fancy clothes or real jewelry – I prefer small, artsy earrings anytime. 

. I don’t have fancy china, the chairs in the house don’t match, I never owned a new car, I do my own pedicure/manicure/waxing, and since COVID, I have also been cutting my own hair – it’s not too bad.

            The main question in my head is: why is there so much weight on how we appear to be? 

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