Collection of Thoughts – Am I Good or Bad? (neither) # 4

 September 15, 2020

October 1, 2020

        

            I have lied. 

            I lied so much during my teenage years that I ended up developing a double personality: I was one person at my parents' home, and a whole different person out in the world. I had to keep these two worlds apart, or I would get busted.  I did not bring friends home. My parents were kept unfamiliar with my real endeavors. Of course it was easier then: there were no cell phones (and public phones were definitely not reliable). I also am the youngest of six, so my parents were a bit worn out when it became my turn as a teenager. They were not paying as much attention anymore.

            My dad was extremely strict. He also created an atmosphere at home where my brothers were supposed to monitor-protect me. Of course, my dad is also very fearful of…everything? In his eyes, we were only safe if we stayed home. He would always try to prove his fears were valid by showing us some newspaper article of some horrible story that had just happened. “It could have happened to you!” he would say.

            Well, teenagers eat fear with a spoon, or at least pretend to do so to save face with peers, and I followed suit. I can argue that in lying to my parents of my whereabouts I was just protecting my father from getting too upset. But I know in my heart that I would still be lying, and I have promised not to lie since I became a mother. Or before. Or a little after that…

            I became bold and took many truly unnecessary risks with my hidden-from-my-parents adventures. I would spend weekends with friends in Mauá where we were encouraged to slide down waterfalls after having had more beers than we should have had. I am glad nothing bad happened and my parents never found out.

            I once escaped from the school weekend retreat (yes, I went to a catholic school) with a couple of friends, upon arrival, to the nearby market, and bought wine to drink after the chaperones were gone to sleep. Oddly enough, when we went to get the bottle that we had hidden behind the entrance gate, behind the trees, the bottle was gone! Neither the priests or the chaperones confronted us with it…we always thought that their silence meant they drank it. Who knows? Again, my parents never found out, since everyone kept mum.

            All I know is that my guardian angel is exhausted and is looking forward to retirement, but as I keep praying and promising that I will behave and he or she won’t have to work as hard, he or she ends up falling for yet another lie.